Sunday, February 7, 2010

Second Time Not The Charm

Today, as I write this, two teams are preparing to battle for the NFL Championship, knowing at the end of the day one of them will come up short of attaining their goal. At this moment, I am already in the loser's locker room.

Last night, my wife made it official what I saw coming for weeks: she formally asked me for a divorce. We were married for little more than a year and two months. Despite the whirlwind romance we had and the excitement we brought to this marriage, in the end it was erased by harsh words and fate.

My soon-to-be second ex-wife is really a nice person. She has the most beautiful smile and is one of the most creative people I have ever met. However last night, I did not see that smile, there was nothing creative or poetic in how she broke the news. The spark in her eyes is gone. The smile has been replaced with a look of exasperation. The rainbow that she thought she had finally attained had slipped away and her disappointment was visibly apparent.

I admit I am not a rainbow chaser, so I cannot comprehend the depth of anger, frustration and despair she is feeling, but I am seeing the results. As soon as I finish this entry, I will be moving my things into storage for the remainder of the day and trying to find a place to stay during this time.

My struggle is that I have given up everything that I had built up after my first divorce to make this marriage happen. The problem is that my pride overshadowed my heart. When I wrote my last entry about my wife on our anniversary, the emotions and love was real. To a degree, it still is, however, it was my pride and anger and frustration that drove an immovable wedge between us and her son. Now financially, I am in a quandary of how I am going to make it for the next several months. I am fortunate God gave me an opportunity to earn some extra income, but it is political, so it will not last long, nor will it be dependable.

My quality time with my son will be altered because of my instabilities. I will continue to surmount debt as I will incur new expenses on an extremely tight budget. I will also see who my true friends are in this time of crisis.

God reminds us that He breaks us down to build us back up. He must have great things in store for me and my new ex-wife because we are both very broken. I have apologized to her already for my role in the destruction of this happy home. Though we may never reconcile as a couple, I pray that she can recover and forgive me as a human being. All my anger towards her has dissipated and I am now ready to move on, not knowing how the rest of the story is going to play out.

To know my new ex-wife is to know someone who people in the arts world would call a muse. A muse is someone who can evoke powerful creativity and beauty. To see this muse lose some of her luster, to see her agonize in pain, physically, spiritually and emotionally, and to know that you are the catalyst for this muse's despondence, it is the worst punishment a human being with any sense of compassion could be subjected to. Looking back on my actions in this marriage, it is a punishment well deserved.

I hate that the timing of my emotional downturn coincided with her happiest moment. While my emotions ran like a super roller coaster, hers was on a steady decline. My erratic behavior during this time of emotional transition for me was too much for her spirit too bear. It will be my biggest regret of my life.

My ex-wife does have a name. It is Regina Louise Turner. Her friends call her Gina. She often refers to herself as Lady G. She is sexy, friendly and has a beautiful spirit. She is strong, opinionated and intelligent. She will make a great wife for the right-minded man. She is my loss.

Now technically we are still married, but it is strictly on paper. The love that brought us together is gone. The love that is needed to keep us together will not be allowed to manifest. We are both tired and desire peace from each other and within each other. As reluctant as it is for me to say it, it is time for me to go and let her get on with the rest of her life. I just hope that I have not closed out her heart to the point that she will not find that happy marriage she seeks.

God, Gina has asked for strength, continue to increase it. She has asked for courage, continue to increase it. She has asked for wisdom, continue to increase it. Bless her, heal her heart, make her whole again. It will be the world's loss if she does not heal.

As for me, God, continue to temper my spirit, remind me that You are in control, and keep me focused on what is important in life: love and peace. Relationships may end with others but I never want to lose my relationship with You. Guide me on this new journey and give me the discernment to find true love, true peace and true success. Protect me from my enemies and remove my reproach. Forgive me for my transgressions and prepare a place for all that have been in my life in Your Heavenly home.

Finally, for those of you who will be disappointed by this news, don't despair long. Just pray for us. There are no villains in this story, just tragic figures. We are not dead, just moving on for the better. We both don't know what the long-term future holds, but in the immediate moment, this is the best resolution. For the record, I do not want to give up on the marriage, but it takes two. Neither one of us can do it alone, she is tired of carrying her end and I have to respect that.

So this may be the last time you will hear from me for a while until I get re-settled. When I do come back, it will the beginning of the new start I proclaimed for 2010. The old saying goes what does not kill you will make you stronger. When I return, I will be a much stronger Erik Robert Fleming. May God continue to bless you, be with you and keep you in His favor always.

Take care.